Restrooms Part I


Since my buddy snubbed me for lunch, I have some time to tap out some thoughts on restrooms.  In particular, I believe the implosion of proper bathroom etiquette fortells the impending collapse of society.  Think that is a big claim?  Read on!

I work in a 5 story building.  Each floor has its own male and female restroom.  I am only going to comment on the male restroom on the 4th floor where I work, though my sample size is actually quite larger, encompassing restrooms all over the country.  The layout of the restrooms in this building are as follows:  There are two urinals on one side of the room and three stalls on the other.  One stall is a handicap stall and has its own sink. There are three wash basins adjacent to the urinals. 

Complaint / Observation #1: Knowing Where  to Go

I’ll make this simple.  Take the test here.

Complaint / Observation #2: Restroom Rage

My friend calls it “busting doors”.  It is like road rage, only transferred indoors to the restroom.  People come in, first pushing the entrance door as harshly/noticeably as possible.  They make their presence known, just as a demon does in a haunted house.  Next, they slam and hurl the stall door open, then shut in full dramatic style.  You might hear the sharp clankof the toilet seat as it is returned to its down position.  At this point, you sometimes hear mumbling or under-the-breath cursing as they try to disrobe their lower half.  Then they do the deed, but in the most disgusting, no holes barred scene of immaturity that you can possibly imagine.  The louder they are, the more attention they draw to themselves, which is the point.  After farting up a storm or blowing chow, they continue their restroom rage by making it a point to be as loud as possible when collecting toilet paper.  Flushing is rarely an option for these selfish fiends.  They sometimes hit the wall intentionally as they hastily clean themselves.  Then the grand exit arrives.  The door is flung open…and a good percentage of these lowlife clowns make directly for the door, neglecting to wash their hands; probably in full defiance of hygienic codes.  What is the point of this show?  I believe it is to prove that you are somehow pissed off about something…to show the world that you have been wronged.  Other times, it is to publicly demonstrate superiority.  The higher up in the ranks you go, the more dirty your restroom becomes.

Complaint / Observation #3: Cleanliness is Godliness

The enigmatic words of Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan come to mind…”Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness. And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me”  But what does that mean and what does it have to do with restrooms?  Using Corgan’s equation we see that cleanliness = emptiness.  I think this is a clue as to why people mess up the restrooms. 

Perhaps they somehow fear becomming empty inside.  But these ghouls that trash the restrooms are already empty souls, devoid of any sense of right or wrong.  These are the people who fail to flush the commode after using it.  These are the people that empty their waste on the seat, wall or floor.  These are the people that spit on the wall or leave their paper products strewn on the floor.These are the people that soil up the sink and walk out.  Empty.

Whatever reason…these empty souls are the byproduct of our society.  The lower percentile.  The rubbish.


One response »

  1. Wow, this has to be the most definitive and authoritative treatise on this subject that I have ever seen! You are soooo right. Don’t forget to use your many years at the LMCO facility to add street cred to your research.

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